Posted by: thewoobdog | July 15, 2007

<Sigh>  It’s very frustrating to be a graduate student and yet be unable to register for any graduate classes because the university hasn’t updated your status. 

Totally useless fact:  There’s some place in Dollywood that makes 25 pound apple pies.  Yes – one pie, twenty-five pounds.  A serving of it is enormous – I’ve never seen such a huge piece of pie.  I mean, it’s like 1/8 of a 25 pound pie (I think the weight probably includes the pie pan, but still – it’s a huge pie).  The only reason I know this is because I hung out with my sister at my parents’ house today and watched Food Network for like four hours.  It was vastly amusing.  Seriously – there’s this one show called Everyday Italian that is the most oddly annoying show I think I’ve seen in a long time, but we laughed about it for ages.  Don’t get me wrong – I’m sure it has its merits.  It’s just that there was no background music or anything, and they must have had microphones hidden in the cutting boards or something, because you could hear every sound with terrible clarity. When she sliced basil, you could literally hear each severed leaf.  She had salt in this little bowl, and every time she salted something, you could hear the grains of salt shift in the bowl and then hear them hit the food, with the occasional sound of stray granules dropping from her fingertips to the cutting board.  When she stirred stuff you could hear every slop against the side of the bowl.  You know how, in those moments just before sleep, every sound is amplified and you become almost preternaturally aware?  That’s what this show was like.  And yet you almost couldn’t stop watching – I felt the same sick fascination that comes with wiggling a sore tooth or watching some disgusting surgery on reality tv…

We also discovered that it is possible for a human being to look like a bowling shoe.  I don’t remember which show it was, but the host resembled nothing so much as a bowling shoe.  We’re pretty sure a lot of that was the shirt, though. Edit: It was Guy Fieri’s show

More useless facts: They also roast entire pigs on spits at Dollywood.  And have fresh-fried pork rind stands.  It’s like redneck heaven.  I can say that, because I come from a long line of rednecks and live in an official NASCAR-loving, baccer-growing, pigfeet-eating mountain county (although, contrary to popular rumor, we do have indoor plumbing).  I have never, however, been to Dollywood.  And I don’t like NASCAR.  But I’m a bit of a throwback.  I was practically ostracized as a child over at my grandmother’s (not the one that makes tea, the other one) because I didn’t like biscuits and gravy.  No, really – that’s almost heresy in my family.  Good thing they love me and put up with my quirks… To this day they still don’t really believe that someone could actually not like biscuits and gravy, though – they always offer it with hopeful expectation whenever I visit, and seem genuinely confused at how I can like brown (dinner) gravy and not milk (breakfast) gravy.  I have tried to explain, but to no avail – gravy is gravy, it seems, and I am just… odd.  Just last week my mom offered me sausage gravy and, upon my explaining that no, I don’t eat gravy, said that she thought maybe I would eat this gravy because it was from a can.  I then proceeded to explain that if I wouldn’t eat her homemade sausage gravy, why on earth would I want to eat preprocessed sausage gravy from a can?  She just smiled and nodded uncomprehendingly and humored me.

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